It’s that time of year again when everyone buys and gives stuff they don’t need and to be fair, never really wanted to begin with all whilst nearly breaking the sides of their mouth with a seriously fake and uncomfortable smile. If you are reading this right now, Congratulations! Well done! You have survived all the Christmas cheer of yesteryear… and brace yourself… you’re up against surviving this Christmas season once again. Personally, I know how hard this can be as I have continuously survived a vast number of years with my Christmas-loving baby boomer mother.
Just so you understand, my mom had a habit of stealing Christmas trees. Seriously. There are three separate occasions that involved three separate similar yet surprisingly different senarios that I’ll share with you another time. One involves ditches, get away cars and Christmas trees bouncing out of the back of the back of the truck… Then, another year both my parents flipped a Christmas tree over a fence into the back of the truck of a well known store as my mom casually strolled past the checkout, walked out the front door like nothing happened, got not the car, and drove away with another stolen tree. But, the one Christmas I was an actual accomplice, I remember jumping out of the passenger side of the car, I was twelve at the time, grabbed the unsuspecting tree off the side of the road, chucked it in the back of the car whilst my mom drove off hoping the cops didn’t see us. I was very young, very impressionable and I don’t really do these sort of things anymore and frankly, I have no idea how I survived my childhood…. So yeah, another three stories for another time…
Now, let’s get back to what we’re here for:
If you live in one of the many western nations that celebrates Christmas, you’ve probably been bombarded with lights, garland, canned Christmas songs of really bad remakes from the 1950’s – it just doesn’t seem like the world has found any new or Christmas singing content since Mariah Carey’s rendition of “All I want to Christmas” and personally, I’m not a fan.
Now, if you’re one of the many people (and I know you are out there) who give useless gifts to your workmates, brothers, sisters… give passive aggressive gifts to your boss, in-laws and children of the parents you hate… have I got a list for you! I have gone though and personally done all the hard work for you! Perhaps this is your chance to give one of the craziest gifts of the year that will be talked about each and every Christmas until you die. Please enjoy all the weird stuff I found online and enjoy spending all that well earned cash for some of the useless gifts I found this year!
Do you hate your brother’s egotistical and stuck-up daughter? Then have I got the gift for her! Why not scare the makeup right off her face with this beary see though Gummi Bear Skeleton Anatomy Model. This gift could also be less passive aggressive if you’ve got a biology major in your life.
Got an accident prone, vegan flatmate? Then bacon bandaids might be the way to go. These gluten free little strips of healing goodness will help your mate come to terms with blood and bacon all in one. And, with added goodness, there’s a free toy! I’m not telling porkies! So you’ve exhausted all the leprechaun jokes and Guinness gifts for your Irish workmate. Never fear! Give them the taste of home rounded up and canned in County Meath, Ireland!
And, if you’re doing the secret Santa at the gym, here’s a great way to make sure Carol drops the weight and keeps it off for good! Give Carol exactly what she doesn’t want with her very own five pounds of human body fat! If you’ve got a weight vest at the gym, or have been thinking about getting one, this is a great start. You can duct tape the converted Xmas treats in five pound yellow fat increments.
If you’re feeling obligated to give your hipster coffee maker in your life a gift, look no further… This Premium Charred American Oak Ageing Barrel is where you want to be… I actually gave this to a bride and groom once for their wedding gift. They never said “Thank you” and we’re no longer friends, so perhaps this option is not the best gift to give someone you actually like.
But… if your hipster barista is some straight edge anti-alcohol wanker… skip the really cool terrariums because you’ll want to play God with this bad boy for yourself… (But seriously, lets all agree right now, they’re really too cool to sit next to the super expensive filtered cold brew that takes all day to make and belong on your desk instead.)
Yes… just go straight for the useless detachable beard hat. Remember, you don’t need to explain yourself. Just wrap it up make make it look stunning and then just write STEVE in black permanent marker. Just wait until you see his face in this thing with his own hipster beard looking like some kind of locker room overgrown organic forest underwear accident that ONCE YOU SEE, YOU CAN’T UNSEE!
If you’ve got that one space friend who you know doesn’t have any hope in hell to get laid – EVER… And, let’s face it, we ALL have that ONE friend who gets a little overly excited about the SpaceX webcasts and for the most part, they’re probably one YouTube cat video away from being committed to the local mental asylum… Then, this doona cover is exactly what they want in their life… often.. online… alone.. and warm.
But, if you feel like you’ve come to a dead end with your Christmas search and you’re dying to give your mate something really interesting, I would suggest looking here: http://www.mortuarymall.com
Still uninspired? Try this: http://weirdorconfusing.com
A girl gone walkabout in the great big world!